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Black and White
I used to joke that majoring in philosophy gave me excellent training to become a waitress; however, despite the lack of employers clamoring for philosophy majors, I have found that having this background has given me some of the tools I need to do outreach work.
Recently, another man was shot on Mission in front of one of our SRO’s; as I was walking down the street I saw his curbside memorial: candles, pictures, and notes from friends expressing their loss of someone they loved. I stared hard at his face trying to understand how this man could be both a loved member of his community, and beat one of my clients so badly that she’s missing part of her skull. I stood there contemplating the ambiguous nature of humanity, how we can incorporate both good and evil, grieving for his friends, but not grieving for the man who has most likely given a women I have known for years a slow death sentence.
This woman, once spirited and clever, now has difficulty stringing together a sentence or collecting her thoughts. She has brain damage in a world where all of your wits are necessary for survival. We tried to connect her to services by getting her a bed at a shelter, but the next day I saw her back on the streets. I asked her if I could bring her back to the shelter, and she looked at me dejectedly and apologized, telling me that the shelter has a curfew and she can’t stay there and also make money as a sex worker. These sorts of catch-22′s are common, we’ll give you a place to stay, but then you won’t have any money. Getting connected to SSI or GA takes time and paperwork, something difficult even for people who don’t have a chaotic lifestyle and mental disability. At that moment I felt so impotent, I wanted to break all the boundaries, give her money, buy her cigarettes, whatever means necessary to get her help. In the end I knew it wouldn’t make things better, but leaving her there felt like leaving her there to die. That was a few months ago, she’s still alive, but we’re all wondering for how long.
These kinds of situations are common in outreach work, and getting more common the longer I stay here and get to know my clients better. Sometimes I yearn for work that is more black and white, less likely to keep me up at night wondering why. Humanity is messy; the more money and resources you have the more you can clean up the messiness or hide it, but folks on the streets, or in these hotels, don’t have that luxury. Sometimes it feels like touching the bare soul of humanity, which is a humbling feeling, both terrible and beautiful.
Goodbye Will
I’ve spent the past hour searching through pictures for a photo that I know I took of my friend Will. I’m guessing now that it got left on a phone that is out of commission. These are the kinds of things that are particularly heartbreaking after a friend dies. I found out that Will had died a few days after it happened, and because of his lifestyle I just assumed it was an OD without asking. It wasn’t until the following Tuesday when I was doing outreach at the Frances, the hotel I usually saw him at, and a place he had many friends, that I learned it was a suicide. He hung himself in the hotel next door. It’s called the Yug now, it was something else a few years ago, but now we call it the Tangerine Dream because of the wildly bright orange color the new owners painted it. The decor in these SRO hotels is often pretty wild due to the fact they usually just buy whatever carpet and paint they can get for the cheapest.
I’ve known Will for years, he was best friends with one of my favorite clients, and he could often be found at the Frances hanging out with her. He became the de facto caretaker for many of the women there. He would go to all the lady’s rooms and let them know when we arrived, and he would often whisper in my ear to let me know if one of the women were having any particular issues. He was also my biggest fan; every time he saw me he lit up and gave me a giant hug, often tearing up telling me how wonderful we were to come every week. He always made all of us feel really good to be doing something that was often hard and stressful. A few years ago I started bringing Christmas dinner to this hotel, and Will was always there to meet me and make sure the food got distributed fairly.
The picture I did find is of the room in the Krishna where one of our clients was killed several years ago. This seemed appropriate for two reasons: firstly, it is symbolic of the frequent violence that my clients experience; it comes from all angles, domestic violence, random violence, sociocultural violence, and the direct and indirect violence that many inflict upon themselves as a result of years of trauma and unresolved pain. Secondly, Will was extremely affected by this violence. When one of the women was abused he would implore me to fix things that there was was no way I could. It was difficult on us, but it was harder on him because he couldn’t accept that there were problems he couldn’t solve. He just kept trying to take care of people and save people until one day he admitted to us that he was feeling worn out. He felt like everyone relied on him, but that he didn’t have anyone that he could rely on. We counseled him to practice self-care and attempted to convince him he couldn’t take on everyone’s problems. We saw him a bit less after that and he confided that he was trying to take more time for himself, and that he appreciated our advice.
One thought that keeps popping into my head is that his suicide and subsequent “abandonment” of the people he cared about, might have been one of the biggest permissions for self-care that he ever gave himself. From what I know about him I imagine that it was very hard for him to make a decision that would end his ability to care for others in order to ease his own pain. I wish so much that he had reached out to us or someone else before taking such an irreversible course; I believe that there are medications that can be very successful at treating depression and other psych issues. It’s also possible that he was emotionally rundown from drug use, and was less able to imagine ever feeling okay again, and that that could have passed. But I can’t go back and change what happened, so I hope that he found relief, he was truly one of those humans that is just too sensitive to the pain of this world, and he was in a place where that pain and violence is made obvious every day.
Woman of the Week: Meet Jennifer!
I’m so excited; I just found this picture I had forgotten I had taken of Jennifer when Reign was still a kitten! She was SO excited to show us this cute little Siamese. She still brings him out for us to pet every week and to show us how much he has grown. I’ve known Jennifer for about five years now and she is always thinking about what her friends and neighbors may need. Once she asked me to bring her a Spanish/English dictionary so she could learn how to say some things to a new neighbor; actually she asked me to teach her Spanish, but I had to explain that that was outside my skill set and time capabilities. One of the hard things about doing outreach is that clients often think we have a lot more power and resources than we actually do. Some assume that all of the doors that are closed to them are open to us. If only that were true.
Mobile Showers Coming Soon(ish)!
At the last Project Homeless Connect an exciting new endeavor was announced: mobile showers made out of converted Muni busses! Lava Mae was conceived of by Doniece Sandoval as a way to help alleviate a difficult situation- in San Francisco there are very few places for homeless people to shower or clean up outside of public restrooms (something that most proprietors do not approve of). This causes a myriad of problems including body lice, which are preventable and can cause disease, and increases the feelings of isolation that homelessness brings with it.
I love practical solutions, and I cannot wait for San Francisco to get our very own mobile showers (some other communities have already started similar programs). Lava Mae will be working with existing programs to provide these showers, which I hope will alleviate some of the problems that new programs often face, and will ensure that the showers go to spots where they are most needed.
Condom Ladies on duty!
This is a picture that one of our clients took last year of me, Breeyana, and Maggie. Breeyana was part of the WAHT program and has since graduated, and Maggie moved out of the city to go to nursing school. I sure do miss those gals! I am currently the longest running outreach volunteer. I’ve been a “Condom Lady” since 2008!
Faces of meth
I recently became aware of an anti-drug campaign coming out of Multnomah County, Oregon, called the Faces of Meth, which appears to have been around since 2004. In that time other programs have grown out of it including a documentary called From Drugs to Mugs, which documents the stories of those who have had their drug use lead them to jails and prisons.
It is part of an effort from the Multnomah County Sheriffs to make teens aware of the realities of chronic meth use in hopes of discouraging them from ending up in the same place. I have written in the past of my skepticism of anti-drug campaigns, but I think that these pictures show a stark reality that speak for themselves. This is a reality that I experience both during street outreach, and working on Haight Street, an area where many runaway youth show up and soon end up addicted to one drug or another (usually meth or heroin). I have watched women go from mildy thin and tired looking, to gaunt and sick looking in short periods of time, and the physical toll often has lasting consequences.
Rehabs.com has started a similar campaign called the Horrors of Methamphetamines that includes descriptions of what causes the physical deterioration caused by meth. At least one of the images appears to show a woman who has been severely scarred by burns, though they don’t explain, I am left wondering if they were caused by a meth lab explosion. These events are made common by the presence of amateur manufacturers who use over-the-counter drugs that contain pseudoephedrine to make crystal meth.
What I find most haunting about these images is the sadness in many of the faces portrayed. It reminds me how many of the people who end up addicted to these hard drugs have a history of abuse or mental health issues. I was even left with the feeling, that for some of them, the “after” pictures more accurately portrayed how they felt than their earlier visages.
Perhaps no one thought to ask before.
The fine print reads: “This public message is brought to you by: Performing Community + SOMARTS + Studio MSI For the People Poster Project 2012. Thanks to the Episcopal community of San Francisco.” These organizations appear to be community minded arts organizations, but I couldn’t find anything online that speaks to these posters in particular. I found this on 6th street at Minna.
Woman of the Week: Meet Rita!
This lovely couple are some of my oldest outreach friends. Rita holds an important place in the community as being someone that looks after people and provides a safe space. Dorado is a huge fan of the peanut butter sandwiches we bring out every week! Rita has been battling cellulitis for years now and is a main inspiration for my hope to bring wound care into the SRO hotels. She also taught me how important going the extra mile can be, as she has never forgotten the time I came to visit her in the hospital. The best part of doing outreach is getting to know these women, and Rita is a perfect example of that.
Woman of the Week: Meet Cat
Last week I walked into Cat’s room and found her surrounded by pink and eating a watermelon. It was a fantastic image I wanted to share with you, so I asked if I could take a few pictures. When I was done I looked around her room to see it was covered in these awesome sketches. I wasn’t surprised to find out that Cat had drawn all of these, as she is a walking canvas of tattoos and piercings. She’s also one of the funniest women I’ve ever met, and regaled us with a story that I would love to tell you, but as she is planning on including this in her memoirs, you’ll just have to wait. One of my hopeful projects for this summer is to help her actually get some of these stories typed up. They are pretty incredible, and I’d love to be a part of getting them to the public.
Click on any of the pictures for a better view!